I have to be honest — for the first time since my accident I’ve felt pretty down this week.
I know that my situation could be worse. For many climbers or for their families after an accident like mine, their situation has been much worse. And for most people on the planet, being able to relax in a hotel with an endless supply of media at their fingertips would be one of the best days of their lives.
So as the days begin to blend together, and as my body starts to get restless, I’ve kept the negative feelings at bay, knowing that I am a very lucky human. The issue over the last couple of weeks, and the reason I’m feeling down, is a problem with expectations.
I wrote last week about my expectation to be able to get onto crutches. This didn’t pan out.
My interactions with Climbing Magazine didn’t work out as expected either. Several weeks ago, they reached out to write an accident report on my fall. I was excited to be able to reach a broader audience with information about my experience and the true dangers of using a Petzl Shunt for TR solo. We met and discussed. Communication was good. I was told I’d hear back quickly with a draft. Then I got ghosted (it’s been 6 weeks since we met, and my two follow-up emails have gone unanswered). I can’t help but feel that this was because of the fact that Petzl is a major sponsor of the magazine, and my story would reflect poorly on Petzl. Bummer.
Most recently, I received a reply regarding my email to Petzl, and got word that I would have a phone conversation with their Chief Operating Officer about my accident. I was looking forward to discussing some of the wording on their website (my true feeling about the device is that it is too dangerous and needs a redesign, but I was willing to settle for a discussion about wording). Most notably, that I find the following statement on their website to be problematic and in need of an update:
“No, the SHUNT is not recommended for self-belaying because of the risk of the cam jamming in an overhang situation.”
This statement only convinces a climber that they shouldn’t use the device in an overhanging situation. And even then, the consequence of the cam momentarily jamming is minimal. If the device is legitimately not intended for TR solo, then the climbing community needs a statement that will truly dissuade them:
“No, the SHUNT is not recommended for self-belaying because of the risk of the device detaching from the rope in a fall.”
This is far more convincing and a much more accurate statement. Had I read the above statement, I would have never used a Shunt. And since I almost died using the device, a slight wording change seemed to me to be a minor consolation for Petzl to make. And hey, if we got to talk about making their device safer, or even how to get a clearer message out to the community, that’s a great bonus. I even have some thoughts about a redesign, Mr. C.O.O.!
Instead of a real discussion between climbers, I got an individual who had been coached by legal to basically say nothing. I was essentially told that I shouldn’t be using the Shunt for TR solo, and that they aren’t concerned with spelling out every way a device could be misused, with so many uses that are “on the periphery”. Periphery? I pointed out that a very famous and well respected climber had heard about my accident and since removed a video (with nearly 300,000 hits) from YouTube titled How to self-belay using a Shunt. I was told “I haven’t been privy to that many people using (the Shunt) for this (purpose).” Nonsense.
In the end, I was offered two mini traxions (for a self-belay set-up used more commonly in the US). I declined. I assume that this was intended as a kind gesture, but I felt it to be a bit condescending. I mean, I know about other possible systems. And of course I’d never use a Shunt again — I almost died because I did. The purpose of my email and subsequent phone call was for the safety of the thousands of climbers who are still out there using a Shunt in the same system and for the same reasons I did.
The C.O.O. seemed unfazed and unimpressed by anything I told him, but eventually I was thanked for the information and told that he would share it with his team. When I asked how I would hear back about the process or discussion about making some simple changes to their website and safety information, I was told that I could call back any time. Keep in touch. Don’t be a stranger. Smell ya later.
So the conversation didn’t go very well. After I hung up, I thought about what had just happened. The voice in my head began to mock me, saying, “what did you expect, dumbass?”.
I went against the advice of the vast majority of my friends and family and didn’t contact a lawyer. I contacted Petzl as an individual in good faith. But of course I wasn’t going to have an honest conversation. Presumably, their legal team says that they need to protect themselves against possible lawsuits, which is likely true in many cases. So an honest conversation is made impossible by this expectation — this fear of legal exposure. Now, the only way to really get a point across is through a lawyer. Thus, lawyers have a completely self-perpetuating system, even in cases where greed is a non-factor.
So in the end, it wasn’t the 35 foot fall and large amounts of bodily trauma that did me in — I’ve been leveled by the American legal system and my own optimistic expectations.
Yep, talking to Petzl about safety is worse than this.
I’ve been grappling with the moral here.
I’ve never liked the “having low expectations is the key to happiness” approach to life. It’s too depressing. Anyway, expectations can be good. They give us something to look forward to and to strive for. They give us hope. They give us a guide for our own social behavior — I’ll treat you with the kindness that I expect to be treated with.
So maybe the moral here isn’t about expectations, but how to feel when yours aren’t met… or maybe more accurately, when your expectations don’t seem to be met. Because your progress or your influence is often greater than you think. We don’t always get results immediately, and people don’t always react the way they should in difficult situations. But often a seed is planted. That seed can grow and cause positive outcomes for you or for others many years down the road.
So we all have to keep planting positive seeds, even if we never personally reap the fruits of that labor.
In my case, I didn’t get much but frustration from the phone call. But I believe that Petzl has no interest in selling a device knowing full well that it is commonly used in a way that could kill a climber. So I know that I’ll be checking their site for a wording change. I’ll be reading the news for a redesign, a recall, or better yet, a new TR solo device.
And maybe I’ll temper my expectations… just a little.