I don’t remember falling through the air, but I remember hitting the ground.
It felt like getting hit by lightning. My vision went blurry. The world went quiet.
Within a few seconds, I could feel only general pain, I could see only blood, and could hear only the ringing in my ears.
For the next minutes, my brain was an old fashioned television, the tuner dial racing between reality and delusion, static ever present. One second, I believed that I was back on the wall, climbing. The next, I was on a stranger’s lap. Then I was in bed, having a bad dream. Or maybe I’d just fallen and died. As the dial frantically turned, it occasionally gave me short-lived glimpses into what seemed to be someone else’s traumatic near-death experience.
Eventually, my brain tuned to a station adjacent to reality. But throughout a drug-filled hospital stay, three months in a wheelchair accessible hotel, and months of drug-reduction depression, a level of static and confusion persisted.
Looking especially tuned out during my first attempt to sit up
Six months after my fall, and two weeks after keeping my prescription drug dose steady, I found a bit of relief from the static. One night, I simply looked at Jackie, who was sitting next to me in the van, and felt like I was actually seeing her for the first time in months. I can only compare the moment to a story a friend recently told me about the first day she got glasses when she was a child. She walked outside and said, “the trees have leaves!” In my moment of clarity, looking at Jackie, this is exactly how I felt. I knew that she’d been there — I’d seen her general shape all along. But suddenly I could see all of the details. I could see her kindness and how much time she spent caring for me. I could see her humor and how much she makes me laugh. I could see her radiance and how much energy she brings to a room.
The sudden realization that I hadn’t been fully present for her overwhelmed me. Through tears, all I could say was, “I haven’t seen you for so long.”
There she is!
Clarity has come in other parts of my life too. My x-rays show that my bones have healed well, albeit with a bit of displacement. After doing physical therapy several times a day, seven days a week for almost 6 months, I can walk well enough to get to a single roadside crag in the area (meet me at Anarchy Wall, friends!). I can also climb pretty well, logging my first 5.12s since my accident. It seems that, at least for now, climbing can remain a part of my life.
Maybe most importantly, my nerve pain medication dosage has dropped to a third of the original dosage, and it’s been steady for over two weeks. This has boosted my mood quite a bit and lifted much of the fog from my thoughts.
The future is never certain for any of us. We never know whether unexpected great fortune or terrible hardship is just around the corner. Each of us also has our own bonus uncertainties, unique to this particular time in our lives.
At the moment, I’m not certain how my joints and brain will respond in the coming months and years. Whether I’ll need surgery or develop arthritis. But the likely lives I could be living a year from now seem to have narrowed — the near future is a bit more in focus. A year from now, I’m likely to be living in a van with Jackie, with climbing as my primary hobby. I’m likely to be doing a bit of math teaching, a bit of climbing coaching, and playing a bit of music.
And that’s all the clarity that I need to say that this is a life that I’m looking forward to living.
Injury Updates:
I’ve been in a gym doing PT and/or climbing nearly every day this month. I rotate doing around 30-40 different exercises, mostly focusing on my feet, knees, elbows, shoulders, pelvis, and core. My body continues to improve! I walked 2 flat sidewalk miles three days ago and my left calf still hurts from it :) But I haven’t used a cane in a while, and I can use trekking poles to do very short hikes.
I’ve been able to start pushing my climbing on a rope, but still haven’t built up to taking impact, so no bouldering or system board training. I’ll begin working with a climbing specific physical therapist next week.
Open questions: Will my right elbow ever stop hurting with every day activities? Will my right knee strengthen enough to be able to hike without pain? Will either joint injury require surgery? Will I be able to continue to climb and regain my pre-accident strength? Will I develop arthritis or other joint problems?