On Wednesday, December 15, three months after my accident, my surgeon gave me the go-ahead to stand and walk again.
After a pretty lengthy search for a walker, I took my first steps at the G1 climbing gym in Broomfield, CO. My right knee was in a lot of pain, my legs felt wooden, and my feet hurt under my weight. But I felt well balanced and generally ok. To my surprise, I was able to walk back and forth in the bouldering area of the gym several times without much trouble (I may have even pulled onto a V1 to do a few moves). In my mind, I would only need a walker for a few days, and I’d be top-rope climbing at the gym before the end of the week.
On Thursday, I woke up with calves so sore that I knew my big plans of climbing weren’t going to pan out so quickly. I could hardly stand, and only took a few assisted steps all day. Friday was no different. On Saturday, I was once again able to stand and walk a minute or so at a time.
After 3 months of only sitting and lying down, I knew that my path to walking normally again would be rocky. Because there is some distance between now and normal. But I wouldn’t have foreseen my calves to be the limiting factor.
All calf pain aside, there are still many unanswered questions about my recovery. Will my right knee ever straighten out? Will I ever be able to fit into an aggressive climbing shoe? Will I be able to weight my feet without pain? Will I have ongoing injuries in my right hand? Will I develop arthritis in my knee and elbow?
With a lot of uncertainty still ahead, I’ve taken the first few steps. And that’s what’s important.
Coincidentally, Wednesday also marked the last day of my last semester teaching full-time. On the same day that I took my first literal steps in months, I took my first figurative steps into retirement. This is also a beginning with an unknown end. Will I need to work full time again? Will I have unforeseen expenses? Will van-life be a viable long-term living plan? Will I miss the classroom? Will I get bored?
Again, what’s important is that after years of contemplation and dreaming of retiring while I’m young, I’ve finally taken the first steps.
First steps are hard. Because big change is hard. It’s unfortunate that so many of us stay trapped in bad situations because of fear, trepidation, and uncertainty. We stay at jobs that make us unhappy due to the uncertainty of starting from scratch. We stay in bad relationships because we’re afraid to be alone. We stay out of relationships because we fear being hurt. We stay in uncomfortable friendships due to potential social ramifications. Maybe worst of all, we stay unhappy with who we are because we’re afraid to face our true selves.
Not making the big changes that we want for our lives is understandable. But remaining in a wheelchair for the fear of the pain of walking again would be considered crazy. Maybe not making positive changes in our lives is crazy too.
Sure there will be many unexpected hurdles. The final outcome is uncertain. But sometimes we need to have faith that the change we desire is worth facing pain for.
Otherwise, we might get stuck in this wheelchair forever.