I wouldn’t call myself a fan of the NFL, but I do like watching the occasional game. Football is the sport of wild celebrations after almost every play. It’s the sport where the refs place the ball somewhat randomly on the ground and then measure with incredible precision whether a first down was achieved. It’s the sport where overzealous analysts declare that “they were just a better football team today” immediately after the game was won on a last second drive filled with low percentage plays and lucky calls.
But one of my favorite things about football is the erectile dysfunction commercials. Call me crazy, but I just like it when a good looking middle aged lady reads me the many side effects and informs me of the proper procedure for handling my 4-hour erection. I like watching the couples (with wedding rings clearly visible) having a little bit of flirtation. I can’t help but daydream about a bit of hand-holding with my wife as we watch the sunset from our very own his-and-hers outdoor bathtubs.
Today, a friend stopped by to watch the Packers game, and I was filled with expectation. While the players delivered their typical hilarious celebration antics from the first play, the advertisers did not. I was extremely disappointed to have not seen a single Viagra commercial, let alone the 10 to 20 that I expected to enjoy. It seems that spreading the gospel of the enhanced erection has been replaced… by fantasy football commercials. Maybe everyone who needs to is already popping Cialis like candy. Maybe impotence has been cured. Or maybe boners are passé, and winning fantasy football leagues destroyed getting erections in recent consumer polls. Either way, watching the game just wasn’t the same.
Sure, I still get a chuckle whenever I see a player on the sidelines who needs an assistant to pour water into his own mouth. I won’t deny the joy I feel when, despite the incredible violence that we all just witnessed, a broadcaster feels the need to apologize for a four-letter word that was inadvertently aired. And I’ll never stop loving the sight of that gyrating fat man covered in body paint. But the experience just isn’t the same without erectile dysfunction commercials. So if you’re reading this, NFL, I have an ultimatum to deliver with a very heavy heart: bring the Viagra commercials back, or I will boycott your great league.